The War on Squirrels: a comparison

So apparently, in a park near where I live, "many as six people have been bitten or scratched by squirrels since May, and that the attacks have become more ferocious in the last month."

The city's response to this, recommended by the Department of Fish and Game, is to start catching and killing the squirrels "in a humane way."  I assume the War On Squirrels is to continue until they stop attacking people or something... but no clear metric for success has been established.

Let me be frank.  I hate effing squirrels.  With a passion.  But I don't believe that killing every squirrel I see is necessarily the most efficient means of making sure they don't bother me any more.

As I read this article I was struck by how many parallels there are between the microcosmic fight against these squirrels and the larger "War on Terror."  Yeah, I know.  I need to get out more.  But read this and see what YOU think!

There are of course, dissenters to this "unusual" plan for wildlife control, you know the type: know-it-all squirrel lovers with no expertise, who say crazy things like "'The squirrels will be back,'"... Norma Campbell said. (But what does she know, she's just a 'South Bay wildlife rehabilitator.') `For every one you take out, two more will come in. It could be a never-ending project that isn't going to accomplish anything.'"

Is anyone else cringing?  

Now, as my husband will attest, I hate effing squirrels.  With a passion.  I (and my garden) hate those brazen, tomato-stealing, seedling-destroying, squash-blossom-eating little vermin.  I have been known to run out into the yard at a moment's notice in my bathrobe, brandishing a broom (or whatever's handy) to chase the vile rodents away from my plants.  And it's certainly a problem we have to do something about when people start getting attacked in parks.  But I don't believe that killing every squirrel I see is necessarily the most efficient means of making sure they don't bother me any more.  

Get that?  It's not because I love squirrels - it's because a never-ending War On Squirrels is not cost-effective and is probably not even just-regular-old effective. (Unless, of course, you're going for total extinction of squirrel-kind, which is actually the solution some righties propose with Muslims, keep in mind.)

Maybe someone should do something about figuring out WHY the squirrels have suddenly started attacking people.  Oh... wait, that's in the article too.

"This summer, the city installed new trash receptacles featuring metal tops with a latch that makes it nearly impossible for an animal to rummage through the can in search of food. Increased park ranger patrols and flier distributions cautioning against feeding the animals might have further cut the squirrels' food supply, prompting them to act more assertively in their quest for food."

So... the squirrels resort to terrorist tactics because they're desperate.  

I can agree with taking out the most violent offenders.  But it seems like you've got a pretty large population of squirrels here and catching and killing a few might not be the best way of retraining the rest of them not to bother people.

In fact, in my experience, squirrels (in addition to being evil) are pretty damn smart.  I'd probably bet money those traps won't even work for too long.

Maybe if they had slightly easier food access at the same time that you're trying this whole euthanasia thing?  At least some knowledgeable people with my garden-variety (literally) squirrel problem recommend setting out some easy food to save your more precious plants from what I call "squirrel damage."  This is supposed to work, because they're apparently territorial and won't generally eat more than a certain amount.  I haven't tried it yet myself, but I can say with authority that my squirrels aren't deterred by sprays or noises, and relocation doesn't work because there's always some other squirrel waiting to take their place.  

As far as terrorists go, I've been saying since like 2002 that what we need to be doing is solving the root causes of terrorism: what makes people so desperate and disillusioned and hateful that they'd be willing to blow themselves up if they can take a few Americans, Isrealis, or even their own countrymen with them.  I say, "Wow, their quality of life must be pretty low."  BushCo says "We obviously just aren't killing them fast enough."

But hey, people are different than squirrels.  Right?

I can't wait to see how this kill `em all strategy works out in Cuesta Park.  How `bout you?

(As Boalt pointed out, there's a survey you can take on the article's webpage, if you're feeling saucy.  At time of writing, it's 66-34 in favor of the Freedom From Squirrels plan being "ethical.")